I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
