I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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