apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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