i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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