They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
