Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
