On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize