Betty ford says i'm here all night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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