You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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