all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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