she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
