i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
