Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
