Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
