dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
