Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
