I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
