Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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