An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
