when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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