so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
