they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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