I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
