and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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