Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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