Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Someone shattered a urinal.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
