In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
