Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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