My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
