forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
