I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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