After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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