I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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