Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
