You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She announced her abortion via fbk
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
