I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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