hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
