he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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