I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
