I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
