That's intense
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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