Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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