end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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