I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
