I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
