i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
