I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
