Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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