Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
