I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i love accidental penises.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
