She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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