The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
