i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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