it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
