Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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