found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
