Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I didn't shave. On purpose
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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