Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's blow job season.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
