I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
